Insecurity

Or maybe a more apt title would be “Why I Have Been So Quiet Lately”.

I struggle with insecurity when it comes to my dreams, passion, and ability when I try to put all of that to reality. I’m a perfectionist at heart, so if I do something, I want it to be “perfect”, even though I realistically know it’s not possible. I’m not perfect. I’m human and make (many) mistakes.

I love to create. Writing, painting, lettering, etc… anything that tickles that creative side of me, I’m all over it. I’m passionate about creating a space for my family and friends to come in and just enjoy each other’s company. I love the thought of upcycling items and breathing new life into old furniture. I would also love to restore an old house some day!

It’s also always been a dream of mine to write – to encourage others, to be authentic, and to express what God is teaching us as a family. But I have often, over the past several months, stared at a white screen with little to no writing, asking myself why even bother?

My insecurity surrounding my writing is often geared to not being a “perfect” writer, not sure of what to write about, and that everyone else has already said everything I want to say much better than I could. Sometimes my own worst critic is myself.

Lemme tell ya, insecurity and comparison are the thieves of joy.

Comparing myself to others and their talents, along with allowing my insecurities drown out God’s direction in my life, can steal a lot of joy and make life very mundane. I had a moment this morning in church in which the pastor spoke on this, and I sat there and cried like a baby. Here’s my thought walking away from church today: I’m done. I’m done letting my insecurities control me and dampen dreams and passion. I’m done comparing myself to others and feeling like I never measure up. I’m done listening to these horrible and toxic lies that come straight from the pit of hell.

I’m choosing joy. I’m choosing chasing after God on this whirlwind of an adventure we call life. I’m choosing to revel in the small moments of love and fulfillment that turn in to treasured memories. I’m choosing to step out, pursue dreams, and battle these insecurities.

I’m choosing these things because of what Christ has done on the cross. He’s already given me freedom, joy, peace, love, etc! I am entrusted with the responsibility to spread His story through all things I do. Also, M needs to see her parents model these things: to discover God’s gifts, to chase after Him, and to use those gifts for His glory. That’s Dan and my responsibility, along with the rest of her family, to be that example so she can live her life to the fullest by glorifying her Creator.

Friends, I want to be free. But I know it’s going to be a long road before complete freedom happens. I’m a work in progress. Care to join me?

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